Today was many things. As are most things, as I’m learning. Got that? Most things are many things, get it, ha ha ha…okay. Anyway.
So the first thing related to today is that last night I was stalking my best friend on Twitter and read back to the tweets she tweeted before I was following her. And they seem to speak of situations I was not aware of, and of people and places in her life I am not privy to. Which is fine. I have things I don’t talk to her about. You can’t tell everything to everyone you come across, although she is the closest I have come. The unnerving part of it is that it seems to refer to a side of her I do not know. And I have long understood that she does not reveal herself to people because she does not invest in them. She has experienced very little permanence in her life. People come and go, as far as she is concerned. I am not offended that she hasn’t invested herself in me. She doesn’t invest herself in anyone. And why that doesn’t bother me about her but it did about Matt is slightly beyond me, but I’ll arrive at that shortly. It just makes me a little worried and uncertain for her sometimes.
Anyway, so I tweeted about it. I said, “I’m not always sure I know you, darling, but you want me to think I do as bad as I want to think I do, so it works out.”
Derek saw it because he is a twatcher and texted me about it this morning. We psychoanalyzed her a little bit, and both of us said how we hoped she could stay with her boyfriend Tanner’s family, with whom she has been living since her stepmom asked her to move out. Tanner’s mother is a wonderful person and a good influence. I was glad Hannah could be there. I would have taken her in a heartbeat, but she wanted to be there, and it was good for her. And the fact that she wanted to be in a place that was good for her was good.
But, as the Senior Year list says somewhere, other people’s Wonderlands fall apart too. And even when they’ve already fallen apart, the new one you’ve tried to build out of the ruins falls apart. I’ve watched both Tanner’s and Hannah’s Wonderlands fall apart this winter and spring. Theirs were crumbling, particularly Tanner’s, before Matt even decided to bring ours down around our ears. (That was vindictive. I apologize, but I’m not erasing it.) But their newly constructed ones weren’t evidently strong enough, perhaps not unlike the windmill in Animal Farm. They broke up this morning.
Hannah, because she is Hannah, is already busy rebuilding her life without him. She does that. When her stepmom asked her to move out she did the same thing. She doesn’t let anything kick her down for long. She always has an answer, both in speaking and in life.
I have never seen her quite like she was today, never seen her affected like this. Granted, I haven’t been there when she’s broken up with people before. But I have never seen her like this, and still I have the distinct feeling that there’s a whole lot else back there that she’s not letting out. Hannah is, as my parents would say, heroically well-adjusted. If she said everything she thought and felt she’d probably be a fearsomely messed-up basket case of a person. Not to say she’s unique in that regard, because I imagine that’s true of everybody. So that point failed. But I think she is internalizing a great deal.
I wish she wouldn’t. I have only recently learned myself not to internalize so much, and ironically enough she helped me to learn. I wish she would realize that although her parents and her relatives and her siblings and her other friends and boyfriends have failed her before that I am going to be here for her if I have to surrender life and limb to do it (well, limb, maybe, but life would not be effective) and that Derek probably will be too. She has taught me to love and need. I am struggling perhaps with the fact that I cannot teach her the same lesson in return. Perhaps this is why I cannot be a teacher – because I can’t accept that someone can’t learn from me. Maybe that was my problem with Matt. Actually I think I may have theorized that earlier. Maybe that’s why I keep Derek around despite relentlessly friendzoning him – because he learns from me and admits it. Well, that would explain a lot about me. I pick my friends based on who is able to learn from me and keep them based on who is willing to. Once again, Hannah has brought me, albeit indirectly, to some sort of revelation. And I am frustrated because I cannot give it back to her.
Maybe she doesn’t want it. Maybe I don’t know what’s best for her. And I don’t. She might. I can’t hope to. I don’t know; there’s a great deal I don’t understand. Maybe all I can do is love her and support her. Love with open hands. I’ve found a way to clutch that I hadn’t previously thought of, but I’m still clutching. And so we return to open hands and whatnot, and I wonder if I’m ever going to learn that.