A Very Weird Mixture of Happy and Sad

Oh hi.

Today I was very happy for a few reasons, and very sad for a few others.

Today was the first day of school for the school district in my town. Which means…my teacher parents and student sisters were both gone…all day…

…which leaves me alone in the house all day. So that was happy.

At about three pm I drove down to the high school to give my mom her cell phone back (mine got wet a few days ago so I borrowed hers so I could go to Boise and keep her updated via my dad’s instead) and I realized, with a shocking clarity that should be reserved for things less obvious, that I was not there.

I mean, obviously I was there. But I wasn’t there, not really. Other people were standing on the risers singing with Mr. Stear this morning. Other people were out running with Coach Root. Other people were sitting in my mother’s classroom laughing, other people sitting in Miss Clark’s making calculus puns.

Then came the ones that really hurt. Someone else sat behind the piano in band this morning. Somebody else sat at what is to become “the editor’s computer” in journalism today.

And then I realized that I wasn’t the only one who wasn’t there. That most of the people who were there wouldn’t miss me – they’re busy leading their own lives.

And then I drove down Tiger Alley and saw where all the band kids used to park in the morning. We each had our spot. And although it was three in the afternoon and everyone was already gone, it made me so sad that someone besides me had parked in my spot this morning, that someone else had been in Tanner’s spot, in Olivia’s, in Montana’s, in Derek’s and Robert’s. It even kinda hurt that somebody else had taken Matt’s spot. It was just a shocking thing that we, who were, not so long ago, so important, are just gone, and yet we’re still here.

Honestly, it feels like I imagine it must feel to see your ex-boyfriend with his new girlfriend. Having literally never done that in my life (wow! I graduated high school and have never done that?!), I probably don’t know what I’m talking about, but that’s the vibe I’m getting.

And then I went home and the phone rang and it was Hannah.

And Hannah was calling from Nevada.

And Nevada is close to Idaho.

Which is where she is going.

Which is also where I am.


And then I had a funny moment.

I was ironing a pillowcase and watching Master Chef (which, I swear to God, I never do) and making snarky comments at the television, and I looked down and realized, “This is where I’m going to be in twenty years” and was laughing.


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