Insecurities

I am insecure.

I don’t like to admit it, but I can be, and easily. My theory is that everyone is, always, every single day, no matter what, insecure about something. Usually the people who act the most self-assured are the most insecure. I’m tangenting.

(I cannot believe that my spellcheck does not recognize the word tangenting yet, considering how often I find myself tangenting. Seriously, wow.)

Anyway. I, like a lot of people (girls, guys and others alike), think a lot about getting into or being in a relationship. (I prefer to avoid thinking about the getting out part.)

Then I find myself daydreaming about adorable saxophonists or cross-country runners or enjoying the handsome longboarders or drummers who say hello when they see me, and of course I consider what it might be like being in a relationship with them, little as I usually know about them.

I am frankly scared by the thought of what might be expected of me in a college relationship.

I’m not interested in sex right now or for the foreseeable future (by which I mean until I’m graduated from college – all of college – if then). I have my own reasons for this but what they are are for another post. I bet that would probably turn off (pun most obstreperously intended) a lot of college guys looking for a relationship. Finding the ones who wouldn’t be bothered daunts me, especially in Pocatello, Idaho, where the guys who aren’t interested in extramarital sex are probably Mormon.

And does that mean I shouldn’t bother with relationships ever at all until college is over when I have a better shot at finding a guy who wants sex among other things? That seems to be counterproductive, given that college is the time to figure this stuff out.

Does that, in its turn, mean I should go ahead and bother with relationships, but disclaim to the guy first that sex is not on the table? Or is that weird? I think that’s weird. Does that mean I should let him get into the relationship without knowing that I’m going to turn him down should he ask to put sex on the table?

What even is the protocol here? Good hell. Except it isn’t.

So that’s what I’m insecure about today. I guess I’ll figure it out. Life is a river. Except the rocks are insecurities. Bleh.

I suppose this would all be fixed if everyone got into relationships without expectations – girls of the guy wanting sex above anything else, and guys of, well, sex. (Those are very counterexistent. Is that a word? I don’t think so. I shall make it one. Counterexistent. Copyright Red 2013. All rights reserved.)

Side note: money still stresses me out, BUT Christmas is coming and that makes me happy, because spending on your friends and family is worth it. So. There is that.

Did I mention adorable saxophonists? *scrolls up to check* I did. Okay.

 

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