Mild Existential Crisis

College is ruining me.

A few minutes ago – like literally not twenty – I went down to the music room in my complex and tried – TRIED being the operative word – to play the piano. I TRIED.

I haven’t TRIED to play the piano since I was eleven.

Either that, or I have a massive superiority complex and have always believed myself to be very very good and now I’m so wrong that it’s actually obvious.

I SUCK ALL OF A SUDDEN.

Now technically the reason is obvious – it’s that I haven’t played daily since the summer. And I think the answer to that is that I am going to set up my keyboard in my roommateless room and go to town. Every. Single. Day.

Because I am really afraid of losing this.

Lots of my other talents – the things I thought made me who I am – are also slipping away. Today I went on a run around the upper part of campus and it was quite nice, but of course I still suck at running. Always have. But I was wearing my TIGER TRACK shirt and then I wore it to dinner and some guy (in fact I think the same guy I saw flirting with my high school’s grossest skank at the gym the other day) asked me if I did track, and I said, “I used to.”

I USED TO. EVERYTHING ABOUT ME IS USED TO AND IT IS REALLY NOT VERY FUN.

I used to play brilliant piano (or so I flatter myself, though in fairness I was practicing literally every single day). I used to actually speak Swedish – now I just keep books on my desk and magnets on my wardrobe. I used to run track – now I just sort of run around one. I have been swimming a lot lately and I imagine myself saying to people who notice, “Yeah, I used to be competitive [even though I wasn’t much of a threat].” And let’s not even talk about writing.

I AM A HAS-BEEN.

The obvious solution to this is to stop wasting so much time on the internet and things and get back to doing what I really love. And I know I love these things because they root me ontologically. They always have. But I am honestly truly frightened of the time commitment it will take to do everything I love. I mean, everything?! I’m having enough trouble doing everything I have to do!

The other day I got a quiz back in linguistics that I got an F on because I haven’t been paying much attention to homework that doesn’t require me to present actual physical work in class. And I need to fix that. But how do I juggle it all?

Stephen said something to me the other day about how time is made, not used. (Oh yeah, and I kind of need to find time to TALK TO OTHER HUMAN BEINGS occasionally amid everything else.) And I suppose it is. But I am overwhelmed right now. A lot. And I’m losing myself in the process.

I suppose the other answer to this is to stop rooting myself in things which are so transient. I might lose my fingers some day, and what will I do with my love for piano then? How about a good hard knock to my Wernicke’s area so I lose all my comprehension and can’t even understand English, let alone German or Swedish or any of the other languages I don’t love yet (see, I have been paying attention in linguistics!)? What if I somehow contract a crippling disease and can’t ever run again?

So I suppose, to follow the ice cream sundae theory, that in my relationship with myself (no, not in that way) I need to appreciate the ice cream first. That I am me, socially uncertain, too many thoughts (ridiculous ones), silly notions like writing letters to my best friends to cheer them up, therapist mentality, a bit impulsive, too shy for my own good, too defensive, overanalytical, with a lot of soapboxes and some scar tissue.

I am struggling tonight.

I don’t know who I am or what I think I’m trying to do with my life. I am suddenly extremely unhappy. (I think there’s probably an underlying biological cause but we all know that that only amplifies issues which were already there.)

I want to cry and I have no tears.

I wrote a letter to Hannah today because she wrote a sad blog post and I wanted to cheer her up a bit. I haven’t mailed it yet. I sketched some Gallifreyan in it and it turned out pretty well, I think (I may have finally mastered the whole vowel thing!). But now I’m sad.

I think I need people more than I realize. I’ve spent basically the entire day alone, except for two meals with Derek. And that is my life a lot lately, now that my roommate has moved out and Kailyn is so busy we don’t see each other. It is me by myself, and it is not good. I mean, I see a lot of Stephen, but I’m still alone quite often and I think it’s starting to get to me. I think I am lonely. I miss my family a lot, too.

I have no idea what I’m doing with my life. Is it normal to feel that way? There is so much I don’t understand about myself. I thought I had it all figured out.

Life is like that, though, and I know it. It’s always once you think you understand that it marches up and goes, “Got another complexity for you to figure out. HA.” And I’ll figure it out again.

But, and I’ve said this I don’t know how many times, nobody gives a flying blue marshmallow about the end of something when they’re in the middle of it.

 

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