Bread

Ursula K. LeGuin, whom I have never read but might have to start, wrote that “Love is like bread. It has to be remade all the time, made new.” (Slight paraphrase, as usual.)

First I am going to very petulantly say that the last year and a half or so has been emotionally ridiculous and that I am ready to not be yanked around quite so much. I mean, breakups and deaths and experiencing “moving” from the other side and college and random confessions of highly charged emotions and fraternity people and my first real crush in quite a while and a whole ton of crap about body image that I apparently just forgot about in high school and the enormity of change as it is when you see it in other people.

Quite frankly I’m kind of a mess, and what I should probably do with myself is go for a nice long walk and talk like nobody’s around, because I cannot think of anyone to whom I really want to talk.

But when you take some things together, it’s basically about change, about people changing. Changing their minds about whether or not they want to date you, or about things slightly more tactile than that. Or about people changing their states of matter. Or about me changing my location for the first time basically ever, or changing my mindset about things. Or about people changing your perception of them. That’s a big one right now.

I have a couple friends I love very dearly. But they each believe things I don’t and do things I don’t believe in doing. And when that happens it kind of throws me for a loop – a sad one.

I suppose it’s very narcissistic of me to harbor the idea that everything I believe can sustain other people the way it sustains me. (Belief sustains us. Interesting thought.) At the same time, however, the control freak in me has difficulty dealing with the fact that we don’t all agree on everything.

Sunshine and rainbows are perhaps a bit too much to ask.

What I should probably do is make up a silly but beautiful analogy about the sparks that fly when friction occurs and try to teach myself to enjoy the sparks.

I’m a bit of a hypocrite that way, of course; I tell Derek all the time to be patient with himself and not beat himself up for not being the way he wants to be, because he is the way he is.

I am suddenly realizing I have trouble with that.

But I don’t think I’m going to do much about it, for the simple reason that I do not want to let myself use that as an excuse to be awful to people.

So.

What I am going to do is keep Ursula’s words in mind (I feel bad referring to her by first name like that when I’ve never read her) and just remember that every time someone challenges your perception of them, adjust your love for them to work around the new person they become.

I think that’s love.

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