Oh, that’s scholarly, isn’t it? Really really educated. And coherent. And all of those other things I am not right now.
I’ve been thinking for a bit that I should probably do a less coherent, more update-y post anyway, just for the sake of clearing my poor muddled head.
There are three things I want to cover: German, sociability and boys.
This is my major (well, one of them).
This is the language I was almost raised bilingually in.
This was my first foreign language.
This is also the language I am having the most trouble with right now.
Reasonably, I know the solution to this. The solution to this is to start listening to German. A lot. Podcasts and YouTube and all the websites my mother has ever excitedly nudged my way while I grinned and nodded and looked for the Swedish section. Feeling the linguistic guilt now. Sorry, Mom.
But very unreasonably, German has become tiresome, old and dead. I may be influencing my own belief thereof by some of the remarks I made on the last day of Sjölunden: saying to the rest of the counselors that I was asked often why I was not at Waldsee, and that it was because German doesn’t live for me. And it doesn’t. And I don’t remember the last time it did. It could have been as recently as last year. It could have been much longer ago than that.
Reasonably, of course, my reasonable self is going to pull up German podcasts and play them while I do other homework, and also be patient and wait for German brain to kick back in. But sometimes, when Swedish brain is on, it doesn’t seem like German brain ever existed – and if that doesn’t illustrate for you how very much like a love affair my relationship with these languages is I don’t know what will.
I have been going to things, miraculously. To the point where I’m scared about getting my homework done for the rest of the semester. Last night I went to a big Capture the Flag game on the quad; tonight I went to see a (frankly horrible) movie with some of my fraternity brothers; tomorrow a lot of those same fraternity brothers are driving down to Logan, Utah to watch the football game (go Bengals!). None of which is a problem.
The thing which concerns me is that, twice in a row, I have just walked off, after the event, without saying a proper goodbye to anyone. Justifying it to myself that “I’m done and I should leave,” but it’s rude and not nice and doesn’t make me feel like a good person. When I was younger it might have at least made me feel safe from being awkward, but it seems that isn’t enough anymore. I shouldn’t be rude. I should push my social boundaries a bit more. God knows this year will push my academic boundaries.
Are stupid. And fantastic. Probably like girls are.
Basically, there are two of them. Well, there are lots more than that on the planet, but there are two that are important.
One is Minnesota Guy, who, despite suffering from the thing that seems to plague all guys where they don’t like communicating if they can’t actually see you, is still a part of the picture. Not a receding one, either.
The other will go unnamed. Just because he’s very easily identifiable. I liked him last spring. I like him now. He notices me now, on a level which should not really elicit any excitement but which, because I am contrary, does. But – and this is important because it’s rather reflective of my language problems – when Minnesota Guy sends electronic things, it’s like Idaho Guy (there! that’s good) was never in my brain. And whether that is because I know Minnesota likes me or for some other stupid reason, I don’t know.
That said, I am very excited to drive down to Logan tomorrow.