things i do not do.

Things I Do Not: A Miniseries. Continuing this week with the second installment, Things I Do Not Do.

(Some of this may be offensive.)

1. Make grammar mistakes.

Okay, this is basically a holdover from pre-working at Sjölunden days when I legitimately did ALWAYS know you’re from your, there from their and they’re, and to from too and two. I sometimes make those mistakes now. The only reason this is still something I consider myself to be in the habit of not doing is because I never fail to correct them. So I guess a better way to state this is to say that I do not let my own grammar mistakes slide.

2. Use treadmills.

Ever. Nope. Not my thing. I will run indoors now, because sometimes the weather and I don’t get along or whatever, but thank God for the fact that ISU has an indoor track and I don’t have to hop on one of those torturous go-nowhere machines. To people who say that running on tracks makes them feel like hamsters, I have been running on a track since the age of eleven (possibly earlier) and find that there is enough entertainment going on round the entire span of a track to keep me from feeling like a hamster – also, the entire concept of treadmills is much more akin to the entire concept of hamster wheels than it is to the entire concept of tracks.

3. Eat the bread pieces in Chex mix before anything else.

This is a long-ago holdover from when I dated a guy who liked the bread pieces, so when I had a bag I would save them for him. I still do, except now I save them for me because he lives 3,000 miles away and it’s nearing five years since we even saw each other. Plus we’re not dating. Did I mention that?

4. Drink blue Gatorade.

Favorite flavor of the same ex-boyfriend. (The light blue, that is. The dark purply-blue I can handle.)

(I have a disturbing amount of never-habits from this first relationship.)

5. Invent a word without copyrighting it out loud.

So the Same Ex-Boyfriend and I used to invent words, which, in retrospect, was probably the only redeeming feature of our dumb fourteen-year-old relationship. But we had to keep it dumb and fourteen-year-oldy: every time one of us invented a new word, the other (he definitely started it) would race to copyright the new word before the actual inventor did.

6. Let people pay for me who are not dating me either (a) if they don’t already owe me something or (b) without paying them back as soon as possible. Call it saving my financial virginity, if you will.

7. Pay attention to dynamics markings on sheet music if I feel like it should be played differently.

Call me arrogant on this one, but while writing music is as unquestionably a creative act as anything else, playing music is a creative act as well, and sometimes I just feel so much joy in a phrase that I play it loudly so there is no mistake about it: RED LIKES THIS PHRASE. Sorry there happens to be a little ppp in front of it. I like it. Tchaikovsky can kiss my cute butt.

8. Eat popcorn before working out.

This is generally regarded as a bad move, but I did it once in the third grade before City Rec basketball practice at one of the elementary schools to which I did not go, and midway through, after I complained to my dad of not feeling particularly well, he swung me out the gym doors just as I threw up all over the hallway floor outside. So yeah. Never again. (I still love popcorn, though.)

9. Take more than one ibuprofen at a time. Or any pain med, really.

Basically, I have found that by keeping my use regulated to one and one only every time, I only ever need one. And that way, I won’t ever need two. Not only does it stretch the life of one bottle of ibuprofen out longer, it keeps me from becoming too dependent on drugs to ease my pain.

10. Consider it an offense when someone catcalls me (which, admittedly, does not happen particularly often).

Basically, my line of thinking is this. The person catcalling is at COMPLETE LIBERTY to express him-, her-, or whateverself HOWEVER THEY WANT. Kicker: EVEN IF IT HAPPENS TO BE DIRECTED AT ME. I know anyone who reads this would say, “But you don’t have to take that!” Well, you know something, because that person decided to put that action out into the world, I kinda do. (So think about that next time you put some kind of expression out into the world.) But is it really going to ruin me for the rest of my life? Only if I let it. My grandmother has a saying. “Your right to swing your fist ends at my nose.” This is an excellent metaphor for making sure that your pursuit of happiness doesn’t get in the way of anyone else’s, but it is also quite applicable when considering that this person has swung their fist by catcalling you, but it has ended at your nose, and whether you decide to move your nose that next centimeter left into the swing is YOUR CHOICE, and YOUR CHOICE ONLY. I choose not to make it. Usually. To be offended, you have to meet people halfway. I prefer to not even venture out. (Social awkwardity working in my favor for once.)

11. Use the Oxford comma.

In high school I didn’t learn MLA. I learned AP. You’re welcome.

12. Drink coffee. Or soda.

Still holding on to my coffee virginity. I have been to Starbucks though. (Once.) And I can’t even remember the first summer I gave up soda, but it’s basically become a part of my life now.

(TMI alert)

13. Wear thongs.

I’m sorry, but I’m rude enough when I don’t have something up my ass.

There you go. Things I do not do. I have no idea what the next installment of this miniseries will be.


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