So today I came to a conclusion at about the same time I came to a turning point.
I concluded that I have been depressed. I joked about it, but I am starting to think that the post-Sjölunden depression may actually be a real thing, somewhat dissipated by my incredible busyness and the craziness of getting into the swing of another school year.
As I realized this, I realized also that I was not feeling very depressed at the moment. I felt much better. I am defining depression here as the sort of chronic irritability which seems to characterize my low points. I have points where I am angry or sad, but those I do not consider low points or depression. Depression sticks and gets you all bogged down in it and has you wondering what you are doing wrong.
I have cried today because I was frustrated and/or hurt. I have also laughed gleefully and jumped up and down and screamed. (To the point that I feel like I may be losing my voice.) And those are good things. Even the crying. Really.
I think that, as usual, it might all be in my head, and I can pull myself out of this. And that is great.
My parents and sisters came for a great quick weekend visit and watched me in the homecoming parade this morning (standing on the float next to the student body president, if you’re wondering just how famousish I am) and then we went to the game together.
A little history about me and homecoming games: My freshman year of high school, we lost. Sophomore year, ditto. Junior year, ditto. Senior year, ditto. Freshman year of college, high hopes, new school…ditto.
Today was not ditto.
So to that I’m just going to say GO BENGALS, and add how nice it feels to hug my family, and leave it at that.
Oh wait, I am not.
I noticed something today: it is this. All the artists I like best are basically solo acts. Think about it. Most of them have bands backing them, yes, but for the most part it’s their own creative work. See: Billy Joel, Mary Chapin Carpenter, Ludovico Einaudi, Avicii, Sofia Jannok, all of whom write/compose something. See also Ella Fitzgerald and Harry Connick Jr., who do a lot of improvising, which is as much as an act of creation as anything else. So what does that say about me?