Today I discovered that I’m capable of getting REALLY FUCKING IRRATIONALLY MAD about stupid shit.
(Sorry, this is going to be a more profane post than usual.)
Anyway, I was trying to figure out where a number came from in my stats review and couldn’t find it and couldn’t find it and the stats textbook just acted like of course it’s this number how would you not be able to pull that out of your ass and of course that was frustrating.
Secondly, I have less than an A in German for the first time in my life. Ever. Mostly it’s because I wrote a too-general response to the essay question on the last test. Also, my grade in econ is hovering around a 79 and I’m not really convinced the midterm is going to do any miracles for it. This is pissing me off.
After that it’s basically everything else is irritating, and then something occurred to me.
Doing stupid things like eating an entire box of dots just for the hell of it and not studying is not fulfilling anymore.
However, doing smart things like actually studying for my stats midterm and eating salad for lunch and working out every day is not fulfilling anymore.
Also, I have a big fat problem with guilt. (I may have mentioned this before.)
I think the problem now is that I guilt myself for feeling guilty, and I don’t forgive myself when I fuck up, and I don’t appreciate it when I get it right. So basically I’ve been to myself what I’ve always hated in everyone else I’ve ever encountered.
The realization of this does leave a few conundrums to be solved, however: namely, how do I learn to motivate myself without guilt, and how do I get myself to do good things without constantly undoing the good work by rewarding myself with junk food or a day off workouts? And how do I talk to other people? Oh wait, that’s the great riddle of my entire life; never mind.
What I’m going to do now is grab a L’Engle book and some milk and try to stop worrying about stats for a while. But first I want to say something: in the last two seconds I wondered what it would be like if I just died and didn’t have to finish any of this shit, and then I remembered a thing I saw on the internet once of a person with a Rubik’s cube for a head. And it was all mixed up. And then it sort of grew up through various cartoon frames, and it said, “One day you’ll look back and wonder how you ever thought you wouldn’t figure it out.”
I am still loved by so many people. I still have money in the bank and food in my fridge and books on my shelf. I’m not failing school and I am doing the best I can (mostly, and if I’m not I will be) in all my classes and keeping up with my other extracurriculars. And I’m sort of working on a novel. And can anyone ask any more? No. No, they cannot.
As a last note, this is very reminiscent of a conversation I had with my father probably about twenty times. Evidently I just need to do it myself now.