why can’t i stop being a giant waffle of insecurity.

I don’t understand myself.

I’m a terrified little idiot, I don’t know why I feel anything that I feel, and half the time I don’t feel anymore. Who the fuck am I, anyway.

I fought with my boyfriend. I am sad. That’s probably the simplest way to put it.

I got angry because he seemed colossally uninterested in talking to me.

I don’t know. Distance has really fudged some shit up in a relationship that doesn’t encompass a lot of non-distance time. We’ve been dating for something like ten months but have spent about one of those even in the same zip code.

I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know. I hate it, I hate it so hard.

I said something nasty (or at least kinda controversial) and then shut my phone off. Why did I do that? I wasn’t even that angry.

I’m looking for attention, I guess. What does that say?

It says that, as usual, I can’t handle it when I don’t get the kind of attention I want. Jesus Christ, I am a spoiled brat.

Isn’t it Hesse who says that you can’t be afraid of something which is not already part of you? No wonder I have always been afraid of coming off spoiled. I am. I’m not sure if it’s that I have gotten the kind of attention I wanted my whole life, but it’s definitely that I’ve always thought I was entitled to it.

Am I?

How am I supposed to feel when I don’t get it?

Right now, when I don’t get the kind of attention I want, I feel pouty, sad, immensely alone, kind of unlovable, and about four years old. Is that something I need to fix? Does everybody feel this way when this happens?

I am so far away from who I want to be it’s not even funny. I’m just tired and I want to go home.

I don’t want to break up with him. I don’t know if I can handle that. I think it would tear me apart.

Or is that just me being a loyal little coward? Again. Still. God, nothing changes.

Dear Red,

It is not too late to turn your phone back on and tell him you fucked up. Truth is truth and you did fuck up, and he’ll forgive you.

But then what?

If I say this is my thing that I am responsible for fixing and that he shouldn’t bother himself about it, I am not allowed to ask him for extra attention or to change the way he acts towards me.

Or am I? SHIT WHY IS THIS SO HARD

Is it a balance (like it usually is)? I do not understand. I do not understand anything. What am I doing.

I don’t want to say we just need space, but maybe we shouldn’t feel so obligated to talk to each other every day. Am I ruining this for myself by forcing it down my own throat all the time?

REALIZATION: WE DO NOT HAVE TO BE HAVING ADORABLE CONVERSATIONS ALL THE TIME.

It will probably take a lot of work to reconcile that with wanting to feel connected to him literally all the time, which I imagine distance is not helping with.

Oh, fuck everything. Why did I even come here? What do I have to show for it?

 

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