The other day I tweeted that “I’m not afraid of anything, in the spring.”
Not sure how exactly true that is, but I definitely feel better about everything right now. Hopefully the steam I’ve got right now will continue.
This time last year I was periodically unbelievably happy about the sheer amazingness of everyone I love, and today it hit me again, so maybe it’s an April/May thing. Who knows.
I found the following in my drafts from the end of March.
I’m supposed to be studying, but I was traveling the interwebs and got an idea for a blog post. Basically the story of my life, if we’re being honest.
Anyway, studying stinks and I haven’t the first idea where to start or if I even care, so I thought I’d take the wind out of this nasty exam’s sails and talk about what really is important, because this exam, though it can be a part of something important, is definitely not as important as my stress levels are telling me.
(A thought: maybe having a healthy perspective of my exam is the best way to actually make myself start studying? Or is that just Captain Procrastination talking again. Oh well.)
I’ve spent a lot of time this year thinking about needs.
I often like to quote Certain Women about this. “Nobody’s needs are ever met.” I don’t know exactly what L’Engle is trying to say there, but I imagine that it means something to the effect of even if you don’t get what you think you need from other people, you should be able to give to them. Your generosity shouldn’t only arise once you have also received something. Which sounds a lot like other things she says. Everyone may have an asking price for love, but your job is to rise above that.
Digging your heels in and giving despite your unfulfilled needs is probably the hardest thing about life. “It’s as simple and as difficult as that,” as Michael Leunig wrote.
The truth is that I haven’t really had a super exciting study abroad experience. I haven’t been brave enough to go out and try all the exciting new things, and I’ve spent a lot of time alone. (Nothing new about that, really.) I think it’s okay this way, as I’ve definitely learned things, enjoyed myself and changed as a person.
But I’ve spent a lot of this year being a scaredy cat and lazy, and I hate it.
And I’m scared – I am dead terrified that if I cannot turn this around now, I never will. I’ll spend the rest of my life being sad, tired, lethargic and afraid.
I think I’m at a crossroads of sorts, and that’s scary.
Not sure really where to go from here, not sure how to change it. Oh, God, I am terrified. Something is missing. And the scariest thing is that this feels so final.
I am still a bit worried about this, but I also feel better. Class is interesting this go round. I’m on a roll – a short one, admittedly, but still one – of waking up on time and getting out of bed and doing the things I want to. Life is much, much better than it has been.
I was cleaning and found in a notebook a to-do list from October. Do you want to know when I actually did the things on that to-do list? Like February. Maybe March, I don’t remember. That’s how long it took me to dig my heels in and actually take care of my responsibilities.
I was doing other things in the meantime, but not well. My classwork has suffered this year (a lot) and my to-do lists, especially the ones dealing with getting my ducks in a row for returning to the States soon, seemed insurmountable. (Spoiler: they weren’t. They were just a lot of emails. Which only serves to further the sadness of this, but whatever.)
But I think I might finally have my feet on the ground. Traction. Motivation. Drive. (Maybe.)
I don’t know what happened back there. I’m grateful it’s over, but I’m also grateful it happened (whatever it was – still toying with the ideas of depression or SAD, but also considering that it’s just the effects of really deeply rooted change). At least now I know that though I am not invincible, I am hardly completely vincible, either. Is that a word? I don’t think I care.
Somewhere between invincible and vincible, that’s me.
(Also, is it permissible to go to a professor’s office hours just to argue with them? I might find myself doing that, in lieu of disrupting class by having an opinion. See, I have learned something in Sweden.)