the things they are a’changin’.

Oh hi.

I’m feeling substantially overworked right now, which is weird because I have done much more than this and had (mostly) smooth sailing.

I guess it’s an adjustment period sort of thing, but there just seems to be so much pressure. Let me break it down for you.

Things I am doing right now

School: 17 credit hours: taxation, intermediate accounting, German literature, beginning Japanese part 2/intermediate Japanese part 1

Alpha Kappa Psi presidency

…that’s it.

Things I was doing at the busiest time of my life (the spring 2015 semester)

School: 20 credit hours: advanced statistics, business writing, business speech, intro to informatics, beginning Japanese part 2, German civ & comp

Alpha Kappa Psi secretary

College of Business emissary

Student government elections commissioner

Music provider to a local church

 

Somehow, one of these was easier than the other, and it’s not the one you’d expect. Or at least, it seemed to be less of a struggle at the time.

The thing about right now, though, is that I have so few things, and they are all already draining me down to my last. There is SO MUCH, y’all. I even missed a couple assignments in Japanese because I just completely forgot. And I have to feed myself and do the laundry and keep my space clean and get some damn sleep sometimes. Basically, I just don’t see how I could possibly be working any more efficiently without having an absolute mental breakdown.

However, I think maybe I need to take on something else, because of the things which are a’changin’.

My sister’s in college now, and I just spent a year in one of the more expensive countries in the world, so my family and I are not exactly rolling in it.

Being president basically guarantees that I have to attend regional conferences for AKPsi this year. And, in a perfect fuck-me-right sort of timing, conferences have been moved. To San Francisco. Not gonna make it cheaper, is it?

So maybe I do in fact need to take the church up on their offer to take me back, despite the fact that it’d drive me bloody nuts to have Yet Another Thing to Do? Maybe I do need to turn in an application for tutoring, despite the fact that that would be Yet Another? I need the money, I just don’t have the time. How do people do this? My God.

Where, in all this, do I fit laundry day, my own homework, time with my boyfriend?

What about all of my goals and twenties project stuff: language study on my own time, getting back to piano for the hell of it, writing something really truly good for the first time in years? Where do those go for now? What do I do with them?

And don’t even get me started on my exercise.

I remembered a couple years ago that the reason I’m getting a business degree is because my dad suggested it to me in high school as something I could do so as to be able to feed myself while I wrote. When I remembered this, as a sophomore in college, I kind of had a crisis. The kind they put in the movies. The kind where, oh shit, I was supposed to be doing something else all along, and now I’ve wasted how many years of my life ignoring who I really am.

But writing…

Am I good enough? Is it a gamble I can take?

I think I’m good, but I don’t know what I’m talking about. Should I find somebody who does know? Or would putting work into a future writing career + outside help thereto add another commitment to my ever-threatening-to-topple pile?

How do you balance the things that keep you alive with the things that give you life, and what do you do with those commitments that you picked up along the way that don’t do either (at least not all the time), and maybe suck more out of you than they give back, but you can’t give them up because people need you (and also is this what it’s like to have children)?

I don’t know what to do or who to ask.

I’m not quitting my degree or changing my major. I do genuinely like what I’m doing, and it’s kind of too late to turn back. My plan is rather precarious, honestly, and if part gets messed up, things get interesting.

Let’s see what next semester looks like.

Well shit. According to my detailed little spreadsheet that I have been keeping since freshman year, I have 20 credit hours looming, and they don’t look like easy ones, either.

I think my thing right now is to not regret taking the harder path. I just really wish I wanted to write more.

I’m late for something.

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