on not knowing what i want.

Remember how I thought that growing up meant watching your options narrow?

From a few weeks ago:

Derek and I talked once or twice as sophomores or juniors in college about how it felt like the world that only a few years before had been so wide open and full of possibilities was narrowing on us. The clock was ticking. We’d committed ourselves to our plans and now the wild potential we thought we had seemed gone. I don’t miss the days of thinking I could major in everything at once, but I do miss feeling like I could do anything. And I thought I could get into Columbia. To be fair to my past self, I’m acing finance right now.

Well…about that.

I’ve been having a weird week.

Last week I went to a talk by a gentleman from the Foreign Service talking about careers thereof and how we students could prepare for them best. It sounded amazing. I’d love to do that.

I still want to do a Fulbright, and maybe that’ll spark something else.

I am getting closer and closer to going to Germany this summer, and that’s exciting.

But, and part of this stems from the weird week I had, I want other things, too.

I was on LinkedIn and saw under the “Recommended Jobs for You” tab something about a bank in a town half an hour up the road north, and I saw myself doing that, suddenly. Working a simple job that doesn’t drive me crazy. Going home to my kids at the end of the day in a town no bigger than the one I grew up in.

And then I was on Facebook and I saw a girl who was my friend in early high school posting maternity pictures…for the second time. And suddenly, I wanted that, too: husband and babies and a house just a bit too small, but dreams to upgrade. Starting without having gotten all my ducks in a row because life just doesn’t wait like that.

I wrote a poem in the tenth grade called, “The Mirror, the Helix and the Path.” I don’t have the text anywhere, I don’t think; it must have been lost to time. It was about standing before a three-way mirror and seeing myself, reflected differently in each panel; about the path I would choose. (I don’t remember the symbolism of the helix.) I feel a bit now like I did then – I could go so many ways, and which of them is me?


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