winter is passing.

(title from “winter is passing” by luluc)

Spring has been a long time coming this year. By which I mean it snowed a few days ago.

I found this song back in January, after a certain unfortunate incident that I may not be past grieving over yet or for a while. It’s funny how loss can take so many more shapes than the obvious.

“Winter is passing, I wonder what’s to come,” the song goes. With running strumming guitar that puts me in mind of snow rushing past train windows on the way down from Kiruna last winter. A sleeping wasteland.

I am trying to keep growing. Sometimes I think I need more water, or a transplant, or just to wither up and try again. I’m trying to give myself more room to breathe. Thin myself out, as it were, as Sam will do this summer to the peas we planted together this weekend.

I likely won’t be around to eat them. Not this year. Oh well, life’s not a movie.

A lot of people I know are graduating – a lot of people I’ve spent a lot of time with are graduating. I’m not. I made my peace with that long, long ago, but it still feels sort of final.

I’m really caught lately between being so tired I don’t think I can go on, and wondering if I shouldn’t just suck it up, this is what being old and responsible is. And I still don’t know, and maybe I won’t know and that’s what being old and responsible is.

I finally made up my mind what to do this summer. I finished a whole semester’s worth of attending 8 a.m. classes, so I deserve a sticker. I bought these things at WinCo for a snack during finals week called Honey Mustard Spruggets and I don’t know what a sprugget is but I am addicted. Sam and I planted a few more things in the garden yesterday (blueberry bush, blackberry bush, garlic, basil and peas).

I’m missing home, but I don’t know what I mean when I say that. Sam’s across town. My parents are three hours down the road.

I realized the other day that since moving out of my parents’ house in 2013 the longest I’ve lived somewhere has been ten months. Too many changes of address to count. Someday I will have lived in the same place for a whole year. I wonder how that will feel.

I also realized that my particular comforter cover has been with me since then, too, and how it’s really held up to me taking it across the world and back. Bed is a girl’s best friend.

So far, gardening with Sam has been a. wonderful fun b. excellent stress reliever c. something that makes me really excited for our future. The idea that this is only the first of many gardens (the trial before the error), the idea that someday our kids are gonna roll their eyes at us when we celebrate thirty years of having a garden together and think about this one that we slapdashed together in the backyard of his grandparents’ house…wow.

I don’t know. I’m cautiously optimistic, I guess.

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