impossible things i want.

I can’t cite it anymore because it’s disappeared from the interwebs, but that phrase is one I stole from Bryarly Bishop, who used it to write about the things she wanted that were physically impossible (such as to be able to fall very slowly through the air for about a week, I think was one?). But I stole it and I’m repurposing it for something somewhat different – the things I want out of life that are impossible, some because they are irreconcilable with each other.

I want to work my fifth year at CLV…but I want to get a job after I graduate.

I want to work year after year at CLV…but I don’t want to be a teacher and I want to have a job in my field.

I want to go into the Foreign Service and move around the world…but I also want to settle somewhere with my Sam and plant our garden (and orchard…and other things).

I want to go into the Foreign Service…but I want a job I can leave behind at the end of the day.

I want to live abroad again…but not permanently.

I want to have a kickass career…and also children.

I want to use my language skills…but I don’t want to live abroad permanently.

Maybe I do want to live abroad permanently…but I don’t want to leave the people here at home whom I love.

I want to master languages and take care of myself and enjoy my own youth…but I also want to have children at an age that will allow me to not be dead tired when they’re thirteen.

I don’t want to shy away from life because I’m tired…but I don’t want to burn out on life because I got too tired too young.

Honestly, that’s the crux of it, that last one – that and that line from Billy Joel’s “Vienna” that I’ve quoted for so many years, “Dream on, but don’t imagine they’ll all come true.”

“Slow down, you’re doing fine, you can’t be everything you wanna be before your time.”

I think I’m going to be listening to this song a lot now.

“You can get what you want or you can just get old.” Ouch. I guess it’s true, but then what do you do when you don’t know what you want?

I don’t know. It’s a weird world, you know?

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